heading west

To say that today has been hard is an understatement.  But saying that today has been hell describes everything perfectly.  It's like I've been burning on the inside and it hurts.  I can't seem to make the pain stop and I just sit and wrap my arms around myself and hold on as tight as I can.  With white knuckles, a stream of tears continuously pours down my cheeks until my eyes are so swollen its hard to open them.  It would only take the arms of one person to make my pain go away, to put out this fire burning inside of me.  He could put me back together but he wont.  I think what hurts the most is that he doesn't believe me or believe that he meant so much more to me than he could ever imagine.  But without him I don't belong here, I don't want to be in this place.  So in the words of Miranda Lambert...and I'll grab the wheel and point it west, pack the good and leave the rest, and I'll drive until I find the missing link...

My Own Fairytale

Every little girl dreams of her own fairytale.  She grows up with images of a special Prince Charming that will someday sweep her off of her feet and turn her into a Princess of his own.  He will make sure that she has everything she ever wanted and will make certain that no harm ever comes her way.  He'll become the rock in her life.  Give her stability and strength, along with some weight to keep her from floating too high above the clouds.  He will want to be her best friend and will want to know everything about her.  Her every thought, dream, and wish.  He'll be able to close his eyes and see visions of her dancing in his mind.  There is nothing this Prince wouldn't do for his Princess.  And it's the vision of this Prince that keeps every little girl pushing forward.  Through every broken heart and every boy that tells her she isn't good enough, she remembers that her Prince is out there somewhere.  She tells herself that someday he'll waltz into her life and after he does, life as she knows will never be the same.  And after 22 years of scrubbing cinder covered fire places in ripped and ugly rags, this little girl has found her Prince.  You are my Prince and there is no doubt in my mind that you have come to sweep me off my feet.  You give me everything I've ever wanted and more. You protect me from harm and make me feel safe in a world that is much too dangerous for a small girl like me to venture out in alone.  You are the rock that holds me together.  You give me strength when I feel as if I have nothing left to keep pushing forward.  You help me believe in myself and give hope to the dreams that I hold so dear to my heart.  You keep me grounded, make me realize which ideas are possible and which are only mere thoughts, floating thousands of feet from reach.  You give me something to hold onto when everything else slips from my fingers.  You believe in my dreams and never want me to settle for something less than I'm capable of.  You have become my best friend in every way, shape, and form.  Every day we learn more about each other, and every day I fall a little more in love with you.  From that crooked little smile that tells me you're lying to the way you say "ok Princess" when I request something a little too extreme, I love every part of you.  And slowly, I'm beginning to see these little parts in you becoming little parts in me.  We're growing together, forming a foundation that will make forever last.  A foundation that can't be tore apart.  I want to build on this foundation.  To build a house, a home, filled with our love.  I want to build years upon years on this foundation so that someday when we decide to look back, we'll be looking back at 60 years of happiness.  I want to make the world jealous with our love, because something this strong and real is so hard to find.  And to think that this is all possible because of you. You, one simply boy, makes our love possible.  Because of you I have faith in my future.  Because of you I know that I will always have someone to support me.  Because of you I am living every little girls dream.  I wake up every morning in my own fairytale, and just like every other 'too good to be true' story, we'll live happily ever after..

Freedom

I wrote this awhile back and just thought it would be good to post on here...

Freedom.  That's what I feel with this pen in my hand.  There is no one analyzing my every word or attacking me with inappropriate responses.  I can be fully honest, let every wall crumble down and sit at my feet in a pile of dust.  I don't have to pretend that everything is okay when it's not, I don't have to smile when I want to cry, and I don't have to be anyone but myself.  When this pen is in my hand, I forget who the world thinks I should be and I fully embrace who I really am.  I don't have a filter, and I can cry and laugh all at the same time without someone thinking I'm crazy.  I can admit that I'm a hopeless romantic who only wants to find someone to give my love to, because I have a lot to give.  And I can admit that when I'm upset I can drink an entire bottle of wine in one sitting, because it makes me feel silly.  It's okay for me to admit that the future scares the hell out of me and that I do ridiculous things to sabatouge my relationships with others.  On paper I'm not afraid to say that I'm insecure about myself and I worry that I'm never good enough.  Because when I'm outisde of my small room, away from my blank pages and pens, I feel so insignificant and unworthy.  I feel like I'm constantly trying to convince people that I'm worth it, worth everything, and I'm never successful.  There is always someone better than me, doing better things, but I would never be allowed to say that out loud.  That would show weakness, and weak is something I'm not.  I'm strong because I can hold all of this in.  I can hold my head high all day and walk around with a smile.  I can laugh at everyone jokes and be ingaged in conversations.  I can hide my insecurities and act like they aren't there.  It's easy for me to pretend that I don't worry that I've said the wrong thing or made someone mad.. but once I'm surrounded by these familiar four walls and have a pen in my hand, all of the pretend stops and the real starts.  The real hurt, the real tears, the real laughs, the real smiles, everything becomes so real.  A simple pen can release me and everything thats been dying to get out pours onto the page.  Everything that no one wants to hear can finally be put into words, it can finally be heard.  So what's something that I can't live without?.. Freedom.  Because without it I'd have nothing to remind me that I'm a real person with real feelings and fears and hopes and dreams.  Without it, I'd just be another fake person with nothing to live for.

Spring Break

Ahhh the famous week of Spring Break. It's what most college students look forward to.. a week when the typical days of studying and class is replaced with beaches and way to much drinking.  Yes, I must say it does sound amazing.  Being able to fly to Cancun or South Padre Island and lay around in your swimming suit all day while drinking beers and frozen margaritas.  Meeting other college students from all across the country and having fun with your fellow "Spring Breakers".  However, for some reason this whole Spring Break thing doesn't excite me what-so-ever.  Maybe it's the fact that my Spring Break consists of extra hours at work instead of the typical beach setting.  Or perhaps its because I'm sitting in Lincoln, NE with winds of 40 mph and a thunderstorm on the way instead of sitting in Cancun with 80 degrees and sunshine.  I mean, dont get me wrong.. I am happy to have a short break from school, except for the fact that I'll be studying even though there is no class.  And I am traveling an hour to Omaha with my lovely boyfriend for a concert that should be nothing less than epic.  But still, this week means nothing to me.  Wouldn't it make more sense to just work through this week and then start summer a week earlier??  I'm sure many people would argue against that one ha oh well.. It's time for me to head to work so I'll stop complaining now.

Happy Spring Break to every college student out there!

post numero uno :)

Dear Readers.. or maybe Hello Bloggers.. possibly Hey World Wide Web

I haven't really decided on how to start each of my blog posts and knowing me, it will change every time I post.  While I have been keeping a personal journal filled with random thoughts and bits of information for over a year now, a blog posted for all to see is something new for me.  I've been playing with the idea for a few weeks and after some assurance from a good friend of mine I decided to go for it!  I'm sure if you decide to follow this blog you'll learn everything there is to know about me.. I don't hold anything back when I write.  Although, maybe I should change names and places when I write in here ((I'll have to think about that)).  No matter if I'm happy, sad, upset, angry, frustrated, or just down right pissed off I write about it all.  Feel free to keep checking for new posts.. not sure when I'll actually get around to writing here with school and everything else going on but I'll try at least once a week.  But for now I should get back to this homework I've been procrastinating for the last week :)   It feels good to have this first post done.. Goodnight blogging world, I'll be in touch soon :)

Andrea